If Only
by i.heart.MV
Summary: So they sat in silence and darkness, with only the light of the fireflies flitting around in the grass and the stillness of the lake and the hopes of a bespectacled boy between them.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: If only I owned Harry Potter**

She had always considered herself almost beautiful. If only her eyes were a little larger, if only her nose a bit smaller, if only her hair a bit more cooperative, if only, if only. And so, to her, it seemed inconceivable that James considered her to be the most beautiful woman on earth. It was just one more reason on a long (long long long) list of reasons why she refused to go out with him. She was not beautiful. She was not even perfect, and she resented James for thinking so. She resented the look of adoration in his eyes when they fought and the way he would whisper (ever so softly, leaving her almost wondering if she had imagined it) "so beautiful." (But oh how she loved it, too and oh, how she wished he could understand her and not adore her)

So she could not bring herself to be too surprised when she found out that it was he, who drove her as crazy as Potter did, with his infuriating smirks and cocky nonchalance, it was he who managed to her all the things she wished James would. It was he who saw through her carefully constructed walls to all her insecurities and love her in spite of them, because it was he who was just as imperfect and flawed and breakable as she (and oh how she wished it was he that she was falling in love with). It seemed that James Potter had a knack for surrounding himself with imperfection that he was blind to.


	2. Chapter 2

He had not truly noticed her until sometime in the middle of sixth year, but when he did, oh when he did, he realized that she was the single most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his sixteen years of existence. How could she not be with those small, almond-shaped deepgreen eyes and that vivid red hair falling in unruly waves and that adorable nose that scrunched up when she was irritated? But, of course, she was James's girl. (But, it could not hurt anyone to admire her, could it? Secretly, quietly) And so that was what he did. And on that latesummer September morning- or was it night?- when he crept out of bed and saw her sitting by the edge of the Great Lake, he could not help but to go sit next to her. So they, sat in silence and darkness, with only the light of the fireflies flitting around in the grass and the stillness of the lake and the hopes of a bespectacled boy between them.

It became a ritual for them, in their sixth year of schooling, to sit there in silence on those night-mornings by the Great Lake, both plagued by insomnia and worries in a world where people like her were being hunted by families like the one he pretended he didn't have. Somehow, slowly, as the latesummer changed to autumn, the silence that separated them began to fade, leaving on the fireflies and hope between them.

If they remembered correctly, it was she who broke the silence first. "I love autumn" she whispered and to this day he is not sure whether she actually said it or he imagined she did. "hmm" was the only response she got out of him and he wonders why he never told her it was his favorite season as well (he loved the way the leaves matched her hair). And so their night-mornings in silence turned to whispered secrets and dreams. Sometimes it was light ("I love the smell of the air after it rains") and other times it was not ("my brother has joined them"). And so it went, as autumn turned to winter and on to spring, until one morning when it ended (as all good things tend to do, much to his disappointment).

"Sirius"

"hmmm"

"I think I'm falling for him"

And suddenly the sheltered world of their mornings spent in solitude shattered and the bespectacled boy between them loomed larger than ever and he suddenly remembered that she was not his and never would be because she was James's and always had been.

"You should tell him"

And she did and their time together ended as suddenly as it had begun. But, they both knew and remembered those whispered confidences, those secrets he knew that James did not. And he became her best friend as he was with James, her support and confidant ( though he wished so dearly that he could be much more). And that October 31st, when he arrived at their house to see the two people he loved most dearly in the world lying dead on the ground, he could not help be linger by her body, if only for a second longer, and think if only, if only…


End file.
